IS THE SUFFERING WORTH IT? WOULD I STIL LTHINK LIFE WAS BEAUTIFUL IF THERE WAS NOTHING TO SUFFER FOR?


PC and Jan split up. PC is living in an apartment. He lost his job, he lost his family. I can't fucking believe it. And every time I think about him, I can't help but cry.


DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN FOR A REASON? IT'S ALL HAPPENING TOO FAST. I HATE PEOPLE, I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE, I HATE THE WAY WE INTERACT, BUT I'M ADDICTED TO COMMUNICATION AND.... I'M STUCK IN THIS PLACE WHERE I'M TOO SHALLOW TO UNDERSTAND, TO COMPREHEND, TOO SHALLOW TO GET OUT... I'M CONFUSED AND SAD AND I CAN'T FIND THE BEGINNING AND I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE AS SIMPLE AS IT WAS YESTERDAY.

but they split up, and the world is falling apart, and i miss him and i just can't get our last goodbye out of my head, when everything was so fragile and i was afraid of never seeing him again and now that might actually happen and it's not because he has cancer it's because of something as pointless as human interaction and i want to scream but i don't know what to say.

because in costa rica everything was perfect and there were those big orange crabs and everyone was happy and in love and so full and life and they laughed and i could've never seen this coming but maybe i knew deep down because when we said goodbye there was that deep feeling and i just wanted to hold on and never leave.

there are so many things that i would give... to have what jan had. she gave up something... that really cannot be put into words. PC is the most amazing person I know. i don't want to lose him.



i wish it would all feel right again. but this year everything has changed.